After a lifetime of pining after a creative life, but squelching those desires down in order to always make the “sensible” choices, to always be the “good” one, to always avoid causing any kind of strife, I am officially over it. A goody-two-shoes teenager, I morphed into a people-pleasing adult. Although my people pleasing behaviors decreased from my 20s to my 40s, many of the wheels of my life were already in motion; some of those behaviors already causing deep ruts into my soul from those well worn, predictable pathways. Over the past few months, as these thoughts percolated in my brain, I realize I have not been true to myself, particularly my creative self, and it’s time for that to change.

Why am I a People Pleaser?

Multiple factors likely combined together to create the perfect people-pleaser cocktail. I am the oldest of four children; any oldest child could wax philosophically about the pressures of “setting a good example” for younger siblings. Growing up in the South adds another layer to the people please-ing archeological dig we’re attempting to sift through. Southerners are raised to be almost pain-stakingly polite and to avoid causing a ruckus of any kind; Southern women feel an enormous pressure to be almost syrupy sweet to everyone, to avoid voicing unladylike dissenting opinions, and to worry more about others’ feelings than their own. It’s a little hard to figure out how to be authentic when you’re forced to operate according to local cultural conventions.

Tiny Rebellions - Sort of

I defied convention in some small ways over the past three decades, since leaving the stifling environment of a conservative Southern junior high school. I sport several tattoos and my ears drip with multiple piercings. I refresh the reddish purple dye covering my mousy brown hair once a month. The sensible, good girl caveat to those tiny rebellions - my tattoos hide under my clothing in the majority of settings, my ear piercings barely peep out from underneath my hair, and my hair color, while fun, fits appropriately into my work setting. Any multi-tattooed person would attest to the craving of more ink and I am no different. However, I blocked myself from the much-desired half sleeve on my right arm by the ever-worried people-pleasing voice, which I cannot fully squelch, although I lowered her volume over the years.

F That!

The realization I have lived half of my life, presuming I make it to 80 like my granny, in fear of what others will think of me is frankly pretty fucking depressing. (And yes, in order to write the F word, some serious squelching of the voice happened!) I recognize how unhealthy funneling energy into worrying about others’ opinions has been for me and I avidly work to redirect the worry into productive avenues. I am a therapist by day; working with my clients constantly forces me to look at myself and improve on what I am doing in own life. I give myself a lot of credit for the improvements I’ve made during the 12 years since graduate school. Having said that - I am recognizing the need to say “fuck that!” to more of my worries.

How will I Break this Pattern?

“I finally know the difference between pleasing and loving, obeying and respecting. It has taken me so many years to be okay with being different, and with being this alive, this intense. (xxvi)”

― Eve Ensler, I am an Emotional Creature

Eve Ensler’s words resonate with me. Although I recognize my progression away from people pleasing during my time as a therapist, I am also feeling somewhat stuck. And that feeling tells me I need to make some changes. Over the next few months, or years, I plan to work on knowing the differences between when I am trying to please someone out of anxiety and when I am showing someone important to me love or kindness. I am ok with other people’s differences; therapists, as a general rule, strive to be non-judgmental people. Now it’s time to be ok with my own differences and quirks and let myself be more alive and intense. My gut tells me my writing will be a key part of reveling in my differences and permitting myself to be more intense.

Where this Blog Comes In

Rather than allowing my worry-based people pleasing to continue metastasizing like an insidious cancer in the various areas of my life, I am on a journey to re-awaken my creative self, as cheesy as that shit sounds. But, cheese is delicious and so is creativity. My writing is rusty and my creative process over the past few weeks quite clunky, but I practice compassion towards myself as I try to write each day with mixed levels of success and praise any baby steps in the right direction. I researched “how to blog” and the optimal number of words and SEOs and I quite honestly don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Mainly I just want to get my words out of my brain and out into the world - for my own well being and maybe even for the well being of others. It’s hard to take off the therapist hat sometimes and that’s ok, too - it’s part of who I am.

What Other Ways Can I Channel Creativity and Give the Middle Finger to Worry?

My instinct with this aspect of opening myself up and celebrating more of my differences centers around behavioral changes. Maybe I will get the streak of bright purple in my hair I could never allow myself to get while in my 20s. I always wanted to pierce my nose, but felt like I had to be sensible in high school and college; then after 30 I felt like I was too old. I could display my tattoos in more settings. Dance classes, painting classes, photography, or other forms of creativity I haven’t given myself permission to explore, because I feared embarrassing myself and having people think less of me. That makes me think I need to figure out more ways to embarrass myself! Having come to that realization, literally as I type this blog, I believe getting outside of my comfort zone promises to be a crucial part of this journey. A constant list maker, I plan to further brainstorm ideas for change after I post this blog entry. And maybe it’s time to start working on that half sleeve.

Call to Action - How Can You Stop People Pleasing?

My journey to being more true to myself and avoiding people pleasing focuses around my creativity. Since everyone’s journey for ending their own people pleasing will be different, I encourage you to consider how you can do this for yourself. What format works well for you with regards to brainstorming? Journaling, doodling, list making, processing out loud with a friend? What would bring you out of your comfort zone - in other words, how can you embarrass yourself a little and not give a damn who sees you?

Maybe it’s time for that half sleeve…

May